Today, my amazing parent expert podcast guest shares:
- Ways that we as parents can avoid feeding the negative drama and the negative behavior with our kids.
- How we can proactively build our kids up from the inside out
- Create boundaries that hold them accountable.
Dan Peterson, founder of The Compass 4 Life, is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC) and an advanced trainer for the Nurtured Heart Approach™ (NHA). He earned his Masters degree in Clinical Psychology from Benedictine University in 2002.
Dan is considered the area expert in the Nurtured Heart Approach™ in the Naperville School District. He specializes in helping adults who work with or have challenging children develop strategies for their child to succeed in both the school environment and family setting. Dan wants to provide parenting tips for children with behavioral problems and encourage positive.
What You’ll Learn
5:56 Why He Coaches
Dan Peterson transitioned into coaching parents because he feels kids get better a lot faster when the environment at home changes and more specifically the relationship between the parent and the child.
6:40 On the common problems parents come to Dan Peterson
7:40 On “my kid is the problem” misconceptions
8:56 What a kid needs
Dan Peterson talks about the 3 things a child needs from their parents. The first is that parents need to realize how they are contributing to the problem and how to detach from the conflict and not get into power struggles or add more drama. The second step is to build an excellent connection with your child and empower them to see themselves differently and express their needs from that connection. And the third is discipline, which translates into teaching them, training them and equipping them with skill sets. It’s not about punishment.
10:22 Where Drama comes From
12:26 On asking for help or guidance
Dan Peterson says that one of the things that also influences parenting and life in general is that we find ourselves in a scenario where we are supposed to know what to do, when the reality is otherwise. When you have no idea what to do you find yourself in a position of fear and vulnerability. Even for Dan Peterson, reaching out for help or advice has led him to feel that he is a fraud or that he has failed as a coach.
14:40 Projecting Responsibility
17:09 Having a roadmap
Dan Peterson highlights the importance of asking for help, as it is a way to get out of a loop of doing things the same way and you can have a map to guide you on how to do things, you can find confidence and control and you can implement different strategies.
20:02 No unnecessary drama
The first pillar of the tools Dan Peterson works with is “no unnecessary drama” and has to do with not engaging in behaviors that don’t add up. He comments that it is very difficult at times to bite your tongue and have the patience to disconnect and step away in order to teach your children that they can feel loved, seen, competent and valued from a place that is not one of unnecessary drama or conflict
21:35 Story of unnecessary drama
Dan Peterson shares a case he has been working on where the 8-year-old was very disrespectful to his dad, and the dad reacted in a way that did not help solve the problem. Dan Peterson told the dad that by being rude, the child was getting his full attention with no distractions from him, so he needed to learn not to engage in these attitudes and have the patience not to add more drama to the conflict. Eventually the child’s behavior changed because he realized that his dad no longer gave him attention when he was rude.
26:26 On not engaging when you kids push your buttons
31:14 On teaching rules when they have been broken
40:38 On learning new parenting skill sets
Dan Peterson says that learning new tools to engage with your child is like learning a new language, where you must have homework and practice daily, you must create an environment where you can have accountability for yourself. It’s training your brain to see things that your brain tells you to ignore.
42:59 Having a Plan
44:49 On asking for help and being motivated (as a parent)
46:14 holding your kids accountable
Dan Peterson says that holding your children accountable is a way of expressing your love for them and that you believe in them to be responsible for their actions. For Dan Peterson, discipline is not about painful experiences, but about holding you accountable for your actions and behavior. As a dad you want to teach self-control, self-awareness and self-regulation
47:36 The referee analogy
48:45 Reset your kids behavior
With an analogy about a referee, Dan Peterson teaches what it’s like to reset your child’s behavior. If every time your child puts a foot out of bounds and you let them know it, they will start paying attention themselves. If they behave in an undesirable way, what you should do is say “reset” so they can figure out what they are doing wrong and correct it, but hand in hand with acknowledgement, i.e., if your child figures out what they did wrong and corrects tell them so there’s an energy shift and the kid gets a positive feedback
51:35 On being black and white with the boundaries and why
56:11 on parents learning how to self regulate
Dan Peterson says for a parent to be calm when your child breaks a rule is to not tell yourself stories and make it personal.
1:01:22 Reset and walk away
1:04:42 How To Get What They Want and Need
Dan Peterson’s Links
- Website: http://www.thecompass4life.com
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Compass4Life/
- Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@thecompass4life424
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