Our guest today believes the saying “happy wife, happy life” is a lie. If you feel like you’re doing everything right in your marriage and wonder why it’s not working, this show is for you.
In this episode, we have invited Dr. Mike Frazier, the founder of Strong Men, Strong Marriages. Today, we talk about what it really means to be a man and a husband and how you need to define that for yourself. We’ll go through communication, connection, intimacy, and all the secrets you can use to make your marriage strong and exciting.
My marriage looked good from the outside. But inside it was a nightmare.
Dr. Mike Frazier
Mike’s been married since 2005 to his beautiful wife Elizabeth. He graduated Magna Cum Laude in neuroscience from the Brigham Young University, attended UCLA medical school, and went through the psychiatry residency training program at UC Irvine.
What You’ll Learn
How did Mike get involved in being a doctor?
Around age 16, Mike felt like he wanted to go into a counseling type of profession. He did couples counseling as part of his training in psychiatry. But what really pointed Mike in that direction was his own struggles in his marriage. Mike’s wife was actually sex trafficked by her family for many years, from a child up until were married.
Mike’s wife didn’t really trust him. It was hard for her to talk about sex. And so Mike felt like he was feeling not doing a good job. The other side of happy wife, happy life is that if you do enough to make her happy, it’s her turn to make you happy. And so Mike felt like since he’s doing his part, now it’s his wife’s turn.
He realized it was more about building up his strength, becoming more attractive, and that’s what actually worked to create a better and stronger marriage.
It’s impossible that we can make someone else happy
That was the kind of a real breakthrough moment for Mike was he remember he was listening to a podcast by someone named Jody Moore. And she just said this phrase, you are not responsible for your wife’s emotions. And he was like, “what? I’m not responsible for emotions.” Mike felt like he had been let out of jail.
Where do emotions come from? What Mike teaches and believes is that they actually come from thoughts, beliefs, and experiences and that creates a certain emotion.
Moving the “Win”
Moving the win. So instead of the win being “my wife’s happy” the win is “I behaved in a way that I want to impact as a husband.” A lot of really good things happen when you do that.
A lot of men are under that impression of like, if I do X, hopefully, she’ll do Y. And if she doesn’t, it’s going to rub me the wrong way. And after that happens so many times, that’s when that animosity builds.
What you have to do is you have to ask for what you need, want, desire. Do it in a confident way. Do it in a secure way. Do it in an empowering way. Not an overpowering way.
It’s a risk. You have to give up the relationship you have now to get the relationship you want.
What kind of husband do you want to be?
What Mike recommends is you actually write what kind of husband you want to be and visualize it. You start your day with that and it’s clear to you.
The other element that Mike shares is this idea of how are you trying to move your wife? Are you trying to move her into a position of subservience and obedience, or are you trying to move her into a place of freedom and choice?
You have to control the controllable and you have to measure the tactics, behaviors, the things that you do that are going right to help move that relationship forward.
A great way to look at conflicts is it is an opportunity actually for more connections. Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
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