When it comes to marriage and relationship dynamics, men and women not only operate differently, but we’re wired differently. Understanding and navigating these differences can easily be the difference between a successful and fulfilling marriage and a disaster. Today my guest shares not only the differences of men and women, but how we can overcome the most difficult obstacles and challenges in our married lives.
Famed author of one of the most recognized books, “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus” John Gray is a passionate writer on the subject of the male mind. Thanks to his success USA Today included his book in the list of the 10 most influential books of the last quarter century. This book was the bestselling book of the 1990s.
John Gray has more than 20 books to his credit with his Mars/Venus series. All of them have helped change the way men and women view their relationships. Dr. Gray helps to better understand and respect differences in personal and professional relationships. His approach is based on various communication techniques with nutritional choices that contribute to brain and body chemistry for lasting health, happiness and romance.
What You’ll Learn
2:00 Solving the Little Things
John talks about the difference between figuring out the little problems and the big problems and what this means to having the flexibility that allow couples to get through them.
3:57 The Things We Don’t See
John Gray talks about how in a relationship, if there are things that we are not seeing, the other person is the one who should point these things out to us. He gives an example with his wife of 34 years. It serves as an introduction to Larry’s question about what are the little things that move the needle, that we often don’t see or don’t pay attention to that make the relationship change?
6:00 The Differences Between Men and Women
John Gray talks about one of the differences between men and women (which are also topics touched upon in his book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus). Women don’t feel heard because when they share a problem with men, instead of listening and supporting them, men have to interrupt to provide a solution. But it is not for lack of interest, the type of mindset and hormones that men’s brains secrete are different from women’s. Men seek to forget about their problems through different activities such as going to the gym, reading the newspaper, having a man cave, running… whatever helps them clear their head. Men need to produce a lot of testosterone, a depressed man does not produce enough. When testosterone is at healthy levels, men feel confident that they have the ability to solve anything, for example, a problem their wife has. Women, on the other hand, need estrogen, which rises only when they feel that they have help, that they are not alone, that they have someone. It is a very different dynamic.
16:37 How Men Are
John Gray goes on to talk about the differences between men and women. He mentions that women are willing to listen to him about what men need and why they pull away. John Gray says that when a man spends time alone or doesn’t want to talk to his wife, it’s not because he doesn’t love her, but it’s what he needs to do in order to love her, it’s a biological male need.
Withdrawing is the way through which they rebuild their testosterone.
John Gray also mentions that now that women are more on their masculine side as they are more independent, they seek to connect with their partner and don’t understand when men pull away.
Women connect by talking about their problems, while men need to not talk about them. This problem can be solved by understanding that biologically we function differently. It’s not that he doesn’t love you, he simply needs time alone to process what he is experiencing, de-stress and be able to love and connect.
23:54 Parenting Differences in Men and Women
John Gray discusses the differences between men and women in parenting issues. Generally women feel overwhelmed by all the things they have to take care of and be aware of where they want to control everything. Men, on the other hand, don’t worry about these situations beforehand; men solve problems as they arise. For John Gray, it is very important for sons to see that their fathers are calmly solving problems, that even though they occur, you don’t lose your cool or get stressed out. He also mentions that this is a problem with single mothers because the children only learn to see the emotional side, and the mother, having to do everything by herself, begins to have chronic stress.
44:22 Anger in Men
John Gray talks about how when men are angry and they use that anger in an argument, they are using it to solve a problem, so they are conditioning their brain to go to that anger every time they want to get something. It’s like an addictive behavior.
John Gray’s Links
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